Wax on, wax off.
Parenting a child with special needs makes each day so … so … well, so unpredictable.
In the 18 months since Beernut’s diagnosis, I have spent a considerable amount of time familiarizing myself about spectrum disorders and becoming his de facto case manager. Therapies, direct services, medication, and so forth. Though some parents are uncomfortable with a diagnosis, fearing that their child will be “labeled,” I have found that an entire world opened up to us once we were able to understand why Beernut behave like … well…like, Beernut!
Anecdotal evidence suggests that the martial arts can be very thereputic for kids on the spectrum with its concentration on self-control, spatial awareness, and motor planning. All areas of weakness for many of these kids!
Now you need to understand that the total sum of our familial athletic prowess resides in JockGiraffe — hence his very appropriate moniker. He loves all things sports-related and can even make an impressive showing on the court or field. So as far as Beernut is concerned, it’s not as if he is surrounded by a bunch of sportos. However, PC had certainly hoped that Beernut would be able to make it through a school yard game without incurring any trauma. As for me, I suppose the kid needs to know enough to participate in age-appropriate activities. But I am far more impressed with the fact that he likes to dissect sentences into subject and predicate as well as contemplating multiplication facts.
So after much investigation, I found what I believed would be just the right class for Beernut. We are so fortunate that our local children’s hospital runs a karate program for people with special needs. Using karate as a backdrop, the Sensei boosts the kids’ self-esteem, works on motor planning, sensory processing skills, and social skills. A class with an instructor who would understand Beernut?? Priceless!!
To prepare Beernut for new or potentially uncomfortable situations, we spend time front-loading him using social stories, role play, and expectations. Taking the time (and it sometimes requires a LOT of repetition) to practice social situations often contributes to his success in what might otherwise be a disastrous situation. So I mentioned to him a few days ago that he would be trying karate over this weekend.
Karate? That’s not my thing.
[“Not my thing.” What an odd response.]
“Beernut, what makes you think that it’s not your thing?”
Well, first of all, you know I am not very strong. And you know that I don’t like sports. And you know that I’m scared.
And that is what it comes down to. In fact, that’s ALWAYS what it comes down to. Fear.
Fear of the unknown is a perfectly normal emotion. In Beernut’s case, however, it is paralyzing. Lurking around the corner could be a spider because he once saw a spider and now worries incessantly about them. Hiding in the bushes could be a panther. Under the cover of shadows might be an intruder.
“Hey Beernut, you might feel safer staying in bed,” I drily suggested once.
Not really, Mom. The ceiling fan could detach and slice off my head.
You get the point.
Anyway, realizing that this class was going to do more good than harm, I forced him to go. I did give him a reasonable choice. He could choose which parent would take him. He choose Daddy.
According to PC, it took nearly 15 minutes to DRAG Beernut down the hall, down to the basement of the hospital, and into the gym where the class was already underway. Beernut was totally and completely undone by the entire ordeal.
But in the end, he says that he liked it and liked Sensei Wayne and plans to return next week.
Lesson learned? I have not a clue. With a kid like Beernut, I can’t always be sure that forcing him to do something is the right move. I once forced him to take a “Mommy and Me” skating class — which he referred to as the “worst day of his life.” Like for over a year.
Remember on the worst day of my life? The day that you made me take that class?
It’s all a bunch of trial and error. Some days more trial and some days more error. Just hope that in the end, it’s a wash.
Context Clues
I try so hard to support the impression I’d like to give people — and that is
I am MUCH smarter than I look.
Unfortunately, my innate ditziness sabotages that effort.
Case-in-point:
I had a fabulous voice lesson today. Some lessons are great because a new technique is learned or a different part of the vocal range is found. In my case, some lessons are great when my teacher and I “talk shop.” He is a very learned and faithful Christian with a healthy respect for Judaism. I so enjoy our chats and learn much from him. He was sharing with me today his approach to the Christmas service (he is the Director of Music at his church) and how he likes to select pieces that are based on lesser-known texts. He mentioned some passages which were new to me such as the story of Anna and the story of a noun pronounced sih-mee-uhn.
And it wasn’t until he sent me the proof text that my mistaken rendering was corrected.
It turns out that there were no monkeys in attendance at Yussele’s bris. Simeon. Not simian.
Oops!
Shabbat is here…
52 times a year it happens. God gives us the excuse to cease from our daily activities. Like a fire drill, we are to stop, drop, and roll. Stop our usual behaviour, drop what we are doing, and roll towards ourselves, our family, our community, our God.
Keen observers might have noticed that no new blog entires appear on Shabbos. That is because I take a break. I really try and stay away from the computer for that one brief period each week.
A few months ago, you may recall that my cell phone ceased functioning. It was an ugly, ugly sight. It was not a rapid decline, either, as the phone had been sending hints for nearly a year. At first it was almost comical. Dropped calls. Unbearable static. Unreliable service. Strangely enough, I always seemed to drop a call just as I was about to make a “Code 35 violation.” [”code 35″ is the euphemism I use to warn of gossip, or lashon hara. The letter ‘lamed’ = 30 and the letter ‘hey’ = 5.]. And then one day, as I was bemoaning the oncoming demise of my phone to a congregant, the darn thing came apart in my hands.
The exciting news is that I made the big move from a basic phone to a smart phone. That’s right — Frume Sarah is now the proud owner of a Blackberry. What exciting news for this email and internet junkie! Now I can stay connected anywhere. Anytime.
Or perhaps this isn’t such good news. After all, do we really need to be reachable at all times? Certainly a phone can be a wonderful and helpful device. And email is a fast and inexpensive way to be in touch with friends near and far. And the internet is a wondrous place full of information and fun facts. Hard to imagine life without all of these luxuries. Luxuries that at times seem to completely overwhelm and wrest control of our lives.
Imagine, if you will, a twenty-five hour period free from the bonds of electronic communication. Free from the aggravating emails from clients. Free from the concerning headlines from news organizations. Free from the constant barrage of information zipping across the wireless highway.
In the words of Theodore Herzl, “if you will it, it is no dream.” We have that imagined twenty-five hour period; it is no dream. It is Shabbat! Shabbat affords us that break from the onslaught of emails, voice mails, Ebay, and Google. Shabbat provides us with a religious excuse to pack away the profane. To set aside all business. To focus, instead, on the face-to-face relationships that we all too easily shunt aside as we seek to find more ways to reach out to others online.
Some years ago, I decided to make Shabbat more special by making small changes in my own personal life. Small, though not insignificant, changes that helped me hallow the Sabbath day. First, I refrained from listening to the news. Next, I refrained from writing any work related emails. And now, I refrain from reading emails or being online.
It is hard. It is, for me, a true sacrifice for I enjoy the time at my computer – and now with my Blackberry. But I find that by exercising self-restraint, I am able to create a more Shabbosdik feeling. Most weeks I am able to do this. Some weeks I am not. But always I am making a conscious choice as I continue to find ways to keep a vibrant Judaism alive in my home while maintaining a sense of modernity.
And isn’t that what being a Reform Jew is all about??
Yes. Yes that is one of the things that Reform Judaism is now embracing more than ever. In the next few days, I will share with you the newest initiative that was unveiled at the Biennial. I have high hopes that together we can encourage more and more liberal Jews to observe Shabbat in meaningful and authenticly Jewish ways.
Stay tuned…
Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby…
When is it too soon to have “the talk?”
I’m thinking that maybe Jamie Lynn Spear’s mother should have had “the talk” a little sooner given today’s news that the 16-year-old television star is expecting a baby.
Let’s be frank. Judaism has a very healthy view regarding sex. In fact, between two committed adults, sexual relations are not only celebrated but commanded. So, generally speaking, Frume Sarah has nothing against sex. But motherhood at the age of 16???
After Beernut was born, I had a very difficult time adjusting to motherhood. It must be stated that Beernut cried for about the first TEN months of his life. So between that and the raging hormones, I was a blithering, sobbing mess. I distinctly remember thinking “I am twenty-nine years old with several degrees and an intact support system and I don’t think I can do this. How on God’s green earth does a teenage mom have the wherewithal to manage?”
From the time they are quite young, our kids are bombarded by sexual imagery each day. It is of growing concern that Hollywood has glamorized teenage sexuality to such an extreme. I sound like such an old fogey, I’m sure. But it is truly disturbing to read statements from celebrities (here and here) coming out in support of Spears’ decision. Focusing on her choice to keep her baby rather than the behaviour that landed her in this mess in the first place is a misguided approach. I shudder to think that this poor girl’s announcement will become the rallying cry against abortion rather than a lesson about responsible behaviour.
When I look at my kidlets — Poppyseed, in particular — I worry. I worry that the pressure to become sexually active before they are ready might lead them to make premature choices.
At the suggestion of our uber-awesome synagogue educator, we have incorporated this very important issue into the curriculum for our 7th graders. Leaving the mechanics and clinical parts to the schools (where it does belong as a part of human physiology) Sacred Choices tackles the hard issues by way of concrete examples, frank discussions, and a clear expression of the values we hope to instill in our tweens/teens.
At the 68th URJ Biennial in Houston, Rabbi Eric Yoffie stated:
We do not tell our kids that sex before marriage is forbidden, although this has been the norm of the Jewish community for more than a millennium. Since many of our children will not marry for fifteen years after the onset of puberty, it is unreasonable to suggest that this traditional standard should be maintained for young people who are adults. Very few of our parents are telling their twenty-five-year-old unmarried children to refrain from having sex. Still, we stress that the Jewish ethical principles that apply inside marriage surely apply outside of marriage as well. And since holiness is attained in a loving, caring, mutual relationship, this should be the standard that we set for our physical relationships.
On the other hand, we say in the clearest possible way that high school participants should not be having sexual relations. Our teens are not adults. They are beset by tension with parents, pressure from friends, a desire for approval, and an uncertain sense of self. What this means is that participants in high school are not yet ready for the loving, mutual relationships that make sex an experience of holiness.
In other words, as Jewish leaders, we have an obligation to our young people to strengthen their self-images and understand what role Judaism can, and should, play in their decision-making.
Better Late Than…Oh Forget it!
Unlike our calendar which appears fluid to the untrained eye, Christmas seems to be in the same spot year-after-year. Which is why I cannot understand why I am taken by surprise each year when the last day before Winter Break suddenly happens and I’m pressed to select the gifts for Beernut’s teachers.
To be fair, I thought that today was the last day before Break and that is because today was originally noted on the district schedule as the last day. And then somewhere along the way, today became a “student-free day” and school abruptly ended one day earlier than I had planned.
Every day this week I had planned to do a quick shopping trip to pick up gifts for Beernut’s classroom teacher, his afterschool teachers, and the two ladies who staff the front office. I had always thought that the classified staff might be overlooked at this time of year and want them to know that their work is valued.
And every day this week…well, you can imagine how crazy it’s been after being away from my study for the Biennial.
So I figured that after dropping the younger kids at school, Beernut and I would go and select the gifts and then run them by the school.
Beernut LOVED this idea. I should have known. It isn’t enough that he looks like his Uncle ACE or that he acts like his Uncle ACE. His style of shopping is just like his Uncle ACE too! Beernut got immense pleasure from carefully selecting just the right gift. S-l-o-w-l-y! Brilliance cannot be rushed, apparently. He especially noted how nice the women in the front office have been to him and chose something quite special for each one.
For his afterschool teachers: yummy candles
For the front office staff: relaxing bath gels
For this year’s teacher: a charming Woman of Valour tidbit tray
And for last year’s teacher (whom he adores!): decorative holiday jewels
After garbing them in festive wrappings, we headed over to the school.
Only to find that the staff was off-site for the day.
Such is the life of Frume Sarah. You know what they say about best intentions…
Thoughts from the Other Side
Ever wonder what it is like for a rabbi to sit in the congregation? I was recently asked what it was like to be on the other side of the bimah during this past Shabbat while attending the Biennial.
It goes without saying that anyone with experience in a particular area is bound to have thoughts and criticisms about the manner in which the certain thing was done.
So here goes…
Just as the Friday evening service was about to commence, the following appeared on the screen:
And on the seventh day the Children of Israel turned off their cell phones and pagers. And then they sat down to pray.
As you might imagine, this invoked a chuckle from the crowd. And it was a crowd. Several THOUSAND people came together to worship. Don’t know the exact number. I reckon that no one knows the exact number though I’ve heard several numbers bandied about. Whatever the number — it was a lot of Jews! If nothing else, I enjoyed being surrounded by my tribe as we welcomed the Sabbath Bride.
It was a little strange watching the rabbi and cantor on a screen. I was so far back that I was unable to make out the faces on the bimah. Rabbi Don Goor (Temple Judea) and Cantor John Kaplan (Temple Israel)were the service leaders and given the fact that I suspect they had little input regarding musical selections and such, it was a lovely service. Their bimah presence was welcoming and calm. My biggest complaint was that the songs were in a key that was either too high or too low for the majority of the people in the pews …er…folding chairs. The typical congregant has a vocal range spaning B below middle C up one octave to around C5. Maybe D5. But that would be a reach. The tesstura would need to be much lower than that if the intent is for congregational participation.
Given the insanely high keys in which much of the “participatory” songs were set over the course of Shabbat, the thought did cross my mind that perhaps the leaders didn’t actually want participation. One glowing exception to this was the Cantor on Shabbat morning, Cantor Rachel Stock Spilker (Mount Zion Temple). Although many of the keys were a bit high, her warm and embracing style invited even the shyest singer to lend voice to the prayers. Her bimah partner, Rabbi Judy Shanks (Temple Isaiah), brought warmth to the service as well.
It was clear that a great deal of thought and rehearsal went into the execution of the services. But in the end, I felt a little like I had gone to the theatre to watch “Shabbat!” Creating a sense of intimacy amongst several thousand worshippers is nearly impossible. I know that megachurches meet with great success in this area. We don’t. And one of the reasons we don’t is that our religion places great importance on community whereas other faith communities emphasize one’s personal relationship with God. When the focus is just you and God, it doesn’t much matter how many “you’s” are in the pews. On the other hand, connections between people suffer when the numbers are overwhelming.
Were the services enjoyable? Most definitely. It was energizing to pray with so many people. It was particularly inspiring to see the NFTY kids totally into prayer. When they got up to dance during Mi Chamocha, it felt as though the Children of Israel were truly dancing on the shores of the Sea.
So what’s it like from the other side of the bimah? Inspiring, frustrating, joyful, relaxing, and … time to get back to service-leading!
See ya in shul!!
A Personal Invitation
I must admit that when I learned that Michael J. Fox would be receiving the Maurice N. Eisendrath Bearer of Light award, I was a little — well — put-off. It isn’t that he is not a deserving honoree. In fact, as the most recognizable face of Parkinson’s Disease, Fox has brought necessary attention to this brain affliction including the need for substantial government funding for treatment. What bothered me is that Fox is not Jewish. While his religion does not discount the wonderful work he has done, I wondered if there was suddenly a shortage of eligible Jews.
Well. not to worry. It turns out that Michael J. Fox is the parent of Jewish children. Upon his marriage to Tracy Pollan, he committed to creating a Jewish home and has done exactly that, rearing his four kids as Jews. He spoke quite openly about his deep conviction that his son be brought into the convenantal relationship through circumcision as well as the children being brought to Torah as they become Bar/Bat Mitzvah.
I applaud his sincerity. There are scores of Jews who lack his fervor. And I believe that his statements are meaningful, providing a wonderful example for others who, like Fox, have determined that their home will be a Jewish home even though only one marriage partner is Jewish.
And then the Outreach side of me whispered, “I wonder if his rabbi has ever asked the question?”
You know. You know which question. “Have you ever considered conversion?
There. I’ve said it. It’s OK to ask. In fact, non-Jews are often perplexed when we don’t ask. After all, if we Jews recognize all the beauty and meaning that Judaism brings to our lives, why wouldn’t we approach others and invite them into the community?
As Rabbi Eric Yoffie stated at the 2005 URJ Biennial:
“In our Reform congregations, there is no doubt that those who have converted bring a special passion and dedication to their Judaism and to our community. Seventy five percent of converts affiliate with a synagogue compared with fifty five percent of born Jews. Those who convert have a high level of Jewish education and congregational leadership involvement and often inspire their Jewish partners to immerse themselves more deeply in Judaism. Clearly, we as a community benefit tremendously from the affiliation of Jews-by-choice; therefore, we need to make sure that the path to Judaism is clearly marked and that interested individuals feel encouraged and empowered to begin this Jewish journey. Often those who have been a part of our community for years tell us that they never considered conversion because they didn’t know how to begin or because “No one ever asked me!”
Our community is strengthened by those who have chosen to join our covenantal community. Won’t you join us, Michael??
Tag — You’re it!
The Babka Nosher has tagged me with a Meme of 7. How exciting! I feel like I’m now part of the “in-crowd” at school.
Sure, selecting 7 interesting facts about one’s self sounds simple. But when push comes to shove, maybe I’m not as interesting as I like to believe…
1. My first international trip was to Sweden with Pepgiraffe. We were 11 and 9 years old — and travelled as unaccompanied minors! To visit business friends of our grandparents. And these were the days before cell phones and email!
2. I am a linguistic failure! And it is not due to a lack on interest or effort. I have studied English, Spanish, Hebrew, Italian, French, German, Aramaic, and American Sign Language and have met with little success. Interestingly, it is American Sign Language that was the easiest for me. Using a completely different part of the brain, ASL required no auditory processing on my part.
3. I completed my first (only, last!) marathon in October 2005. Having an early midlife “thing,” I decided that I wanted to push myself really hard as well as make some type of significant contribution not as a rabbi but just as a regular person. I raised over $5,000 for the Leukemia &Lymphoma Society, ran the Nike Women’s Marathon, managing to complete all 26.2 with a pulled Iliotibial Band (that was around mile 14).
4. According to the American Jewish Archives, I am the first (and only so far) female rabbi to serve a congregation with her father.
5. I have been a voracious reader since the age of 3 and a half, typically completing several books a week.
6. I studied piano for 13 years and am just awful! It was not a total waste, however, as it provided me with a strong background in music theory. A few years ago, I switched to guitar and am happy to report that it is a much better instrumental fit!
7. I am a conflicted liberal, traditional, frum, progressive, Reform Jewess!
And so I now tag the following: Phyllis, Hilary, Pepgiraffe, Ezer K, Jessie, Howard, and Rachel.
Such a wonderfully small world…
One of the best things about the Biennial was the fact that I continually ran into random people from my past. My two favourite sightings??
1. The principal from my High School in Israel experience (1987)
and
2. One of “my kids” from NFTY-LI (1997).
And to play Jewish Geography with so many people…incredible. Connections were inevitably made with enough effort.
Maintaining the Differences
I might not know what I was expecting, but I DO know that I was disappointed. Watching Dr Ron Wolfson moderate a panel discussion between Pastor Rick Warren, Rabbi David Wolpe, and Rabbi Laura Geller on a huge television screen was like watching a public access cable channel. And for the most part, there was not a great deal of discussing going on. Rather, one had the sense that a set of questions had been prepared and were directed to each speaker in turn. So there was a real disconnect from one question to the next.
I find that I am growing more ethnocentric as time passes. Rather than being comforted by points of commonality between Judaism and the majority host culture, I worry that we are losing what makes our heritage unique and wonderful. I don’t think that it serves us in the long run to adapt every new trend simply because we think it might be the silver bullet that increases synagogue attendance or solidifies Jewish identity or whatever other issues with which we struggle.
Do not misunderstand. It’s not that we can’t learn from others. It’s just that we speak a different language and I’m glad that we speak a different language. I do not beive that God intended for us all to be the same. When I hear things such as “ministry,” “Scripture,” or “I prayed on that,” I tune out. That terminology reminds me of my otheerness. An otherness that I am embracing more and more.
Available 24/6
Frume Sarah is Shabbos-observant -- in a Reform way, that is. Please note that from Friday afternoons until one hour after sundown on Saturday evenings, Frume Sarah will be unavailable, in observance of the Jewish Sabbath.
Comments made during this time will be held in a queue, to be moderated afterwards.
Thank you for your understanding...and gut Shabbos!!! Recent Comments
Passover is Over: A… on Conflicted Passover is Over: A… on Kitniyot Follow-up Meira Shayna on A Teachable Moment Adding not Replacing on Here I Am Yeah, It’s All… on The Perfect Mother’s Day… Join the Club
Don\’t Miss A Moment!
What Did You Expect?
Vote for Me!
NaBloPoMo
>
Take the Pledge
Site Meter
JTA- An error has occurred; the feed is probably down. Try again later.
Frume Sarah is Shabbos-observant -- in a Reform way, that is. Please note that from Friday afternoons until one hour after sundown on Saturday evenings, Frume Sarah will be unavailable, in observance of the Jewish Sabbath.
Comments made during this time will be held in a queue, to be moderated afterwards.
Thank you for your understanding...and gut Shabbos!!! 
Frume Sarah's World 