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Unresolved

Monday, 17 May 2010

Poppyseed passed through the kitchen wearing a sweatshirt that had been mine as a young girl.

Frume Sarah: She looks so cute in that.
Prince Charming: Yeah, but it’s starting to look small on her. She’s not going to be able to wear it for much longer.
FS (sighing): And there’s no one to wear it after her…
PC: I’m sorry. I know it’s hard for you.

PC: Hey, look at it this way. You’ve gotten good use out of it.

FS: Um…are we still talking about my uterus?

What happens when there is a disconnect between the mind and the heart? The heart must lose. And so it aches. And yearns. And grieves.

How much time must pass to heal from that pain?

I had always assumed that my last child would be the one whom I knew would be the completion of our family. My family of origin had four children and I wanted to replicate the chaos and camaraderie in my own household. I imagined a family with at least four kids. Kids who bickered noisily and loved passionately.

I might have emphasized the noisy bickering a bit too much…

Intellectually, I understand, and agree with, the reasons why my child-bearing years are over. Emotionally… A different story.

Yes, I know that so many women have struggled to have just one child and here I am complaining that I have “only” three. Please forgive me for what might appear to be a lack of gratitude. I have been entrusted with three wonderful children. I cannot conceive of a world without them. Yet, I am missing my “last child.” The one who is not to be.

I’m just not ready to say goodbye to the act of creating life one more time.

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13 Comments leave one →
  1. Monday, 17 May 2010 12:50 pm

    {{{hugs}}}

  2. Monday, 17 May 2010 1:59 pm

    I wish I could hug you right now! I too have 3 wonderful children. I had one child that is missing. He died at birth, when people ask me how many kids I have I still after all these years want to say 4. This was 19 years ago and I’ve had 2 children after that. My eldest was 6 years old. All I can say is wishing you had more children is a whole lot better than wishing you had less.

    • Frume Sarah permalink*
      Tuesday, 25 May 2010 9:53 pm

      Yes, that is true.

      I have always wondered how parents who have mourned the death of a child answer that question.

      I am so sorry. I hope that the pain has softened over the years and that his memory brings you warmth.

  3. Lael permalink
    Monday, 17 May 2010 2:55 pm

    ((()))

  4. Monday, 17 May 2010 9:49 pm

    I have four sisters and always imagined that I would have more children too. At the moment it doesn’t look like that is in the cards. I am not quite ready either to say goodbye to those days, but…

  5. Thursday, 20 May 2010 8:41 pm

    I so understand and feel what you are saying here…it’s a kind of grieving…for the child you didn’t have…I sometimes feel the same way.
    Please accept my hug from cyberspace…

    • Frume Sarah permalink*
      Tuesday, 25 May 2010 9:56 pm

      Thanks.

      Moving from one phase of life into another does sometimes include grief.

  6. clinicalamanda permalink
    Friday, 21 May 2010 5:28 am

    I have four children and I’m a single mom. It’s too much most days, but I understand the “someone’s missing” feeling, if that’s what you’re describing. I don’t feel it now, but during the years I was having children I certainly did. Good luck to you & big hugs.

    • Frume Sarah permalink*
      Tuesday, 25 May 2010 9:57 pm

      Thank you. Before Peach was born and people would ask me how many children we had, my answer was always “two, so far.”

      “Three” just seems so final.

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