Unresolved
Poppyseed passed through the kitchen wearing a sweatshirt that had been mine as a young girl.
Frume Sarah: She looks so cute in that.
Prince Charming: Yeah, but it’s starting to look small on her. She’s not going to be able to wear it for much longer.
FS (sighing): And there’s no one to wear it after her…
PC: I’m sorry. I know it’s hard for you.
PC: Hey, look at it this way. You’ve gotten good use out of it.
FS: Um…are we still talking about my uterus?
What happens when there is a disconnect between the mind and the heart? The heart must lose. And so it aches. And yearns. And grieves.
How much time must pass to heal from that pain?
I had always assumed that my last child would be the one whom I knew would be the completion of our family. My family of origin had four children and I wanted to replicate the chaos and camaraderie in my own household. I imagined a family with at least four kids. Kids who bickered noisily and loved passionately.
I might have emphasized the noisy bickering a bit too much…
Intellectually, I understand, and agree with, the reasons why my child-bearing years are over. Emotionally… A different story.
Yes, I know that so many women have struggled to have just one child and here I am complaining that I have “only” three. Please forgive me for what might appear to be a lack of gratitude. I have been entrusted with three wonderful children. I cannot conceive of a world without them. Yet, I am missing my “last child.” The one who is not to be.
I’m just not ready to say goodbye to the act of creating life one more time.
Frume Sarah is Shabbos-observant -- in a Reform way, that is. Please note that from Friday afternoons until one hour after sundown on Saturday evenings, Frume Sarah will be unavailable, in observance of the Jewish Sabbath.
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Thank you for your understanding...and gut Shabbos!!! 
{{{hugs}}}
Thanks.
I wish I could hug you right now! I too have 3 wonderful children. I had one child that is missing. He died at birth, when people ask me how many kids I have I still after all these years want to say 4. This was 19 years ago and I’ve had 2 children after that. My eldest was 6 years old. All I can say is wishing you had more children is a whole lot better than wishing you had less.
Yes, that is true.
I have always wondered how parents who have mourned the death of a child answer that question.
I am so sorry. I hope that the pain has softened over the years and that his memory brings you warmth.
((()))
🙂
I have four sisters and always imagined that I would have more children too. At the moment it doesn’t look like that is in the cards. I am not quite ready either to say goodbye to those days, but…
yeah…
I so understand and feel what you are saying here…it’s a kind of grieving…for the child you didn’t have…I sometimes feel the same way.
Please accept my hug from cyberspace…
Thanks.
Moving from one phase of life into another does sometimes include grief.
I have four children and I’m a single mom. It’s too much most days, but I understand the “someone’s missing” feeling, if that’s what you’re describing. I don’t feel it now, but during the years I was having children I certainly did. Good luck to you & big hugs.
Thank you. Before Peach was born and people would ask me how many children we had, my answer was always “two, so far.”
“Three” just seems so final.