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Monday, 17 May 2010

Poppyseed passed through the kitchen wearing a sweatshirt that had been mine as a young girl.

Frume Sarah: She looks so cute in that.
Prince Charming: Yeah, but it’s starting to look small on her. She’s not going to be able to wear it for much longer.
FS (sighing): And there’s no one to wear it after her…
PC: I’m sorry. I know it’s hard for you.

PC: Hey, look at it this way. You’ve gotten good use out of it.

FS: Um…are we still talking about my uterus?

What happens when there is a disconnect between the mind and the heart? The heart must lose. And so it aches. And yearns. And grieves.

How much time must pass to heal from that pain?

I had always assumed that my last child would be the one whom I knew would be the completion of our family. My family of origin had four children and I wanted to replicate the chaos and camaraderie in my own household. I imagined a family with at least four kids. Kids who bickered noisily and loved passionately.

I might have emphasized the noisy bickering a bit too much…

Intellectually, I understand, and agree with, the reasons why my child-bearing years are over. Emotionally… A different story.

Yes, I know that so many women have struggled to have just one child and here I am complaining that I have “only” three. Please forgive me for what might appear to be a lack of gratitude. I have been entrusted with three wonderful children. I cannot conceive of a world without them. Yet, I am missing my “last child.” The one who is not to be.

I’m just not ready to say goodbye to the act of creating life one more time.

13 Comments leave one →
  1. Monday, 17 May 2010 12:50 pm


  2. Monday, 17 May 2010 1:59 pm

    I wish I could hug you right now! I too have 3 wonderful children. I had one child that is missing. He died at birth, when people ask me how many kids I have I still after all these years want to say 4. This was 19 years ago and I’ve had 2 children after that. My eldest was 6 years old. All I can say is wishing you had more children is a whole lot better than wishing you had less.

    • Frume Sarah permalink*
      Tuesday, 25 May 2010 9:53 pm

      Yes, that is true.

      I have always wondered how parents who have mourned the death of a child answer that question.

      I am so sorry. I hope that the pain has softened over the years and that his memory brings you warmth.

  3. Lael permalink
    Monday, 17 May 2010 2:55 pm


    • Frume Sarah permalink*
      Tuesday, 25 May 2010 9:53 pm


  4. Monday, 17 May 2010 9:49 pm

    I have four sisters and always imagined that I would have more children too. At the moment it doesn’t look like that is in the cards. I am not quite ready either to say goodbye to those days, but…

  5. Thursday, 20 May 2010 8:41 pm

    I so understand and feel what you are saying here…it’s a kind of grieving…for the child you didn’t have…I sometimes feel the same way.
    Please accept my hug from cyberspace…

    • Frume Sarah permalink*
      Tuesday, 25 May 2010 9:56 pm


      Moving from one phase of life into another does sometimes include grief.

  6. clinicalamanda permalink
    Friday, 21 May 2010 5:28 am

    I have four children and I’m a single mom. It’s too much most days, but I understand the “someone’s missing” feeling, if that’s what you’re describing. I don’t feel it now, but during the years I was having children I certainly did. Good luck to you & big hugs.

    • Frume Sarah permalink*
      Tuesday, 25 May 2010 9:57 pm

      Thank you. Before Peach was born and people would ask me how many children we had, my answer was always “two, so far.”

      “Three” just seems so final.


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